For far too much of my life I have been a people pleaser who could not say no to anyone or anything, regardless of the impact that might have on me!! I would often wonder why I was left feeling exhausted at the end of another busy week, seeing friends, helping others, doing things that should nourish me… why did I always feel so overwhelmed, like I was wading through mud on a daily basis?
Then someone close to me pointed out that I spend all my time topping up everyone else’s cups and leaving mine empty.
Quite ironic, really, as I have spent the majority of my career working with others to ensure that they are prioritising their own wellbeing, like reminding carers that they must look after themselves to enable them to continue to look after their loved one. Most of us are familiar with the old age adage that you must fix on your own life jacket or oxygen mask in an emergency before tending to those around you. So, you would have thought that I might recognise this in myself!!
It is one thing to admit you have a problem… but another thing entirely to know where to start doing something about it. “Just say no” was the constant suggestion, but my internal struggle, fear of rejection, guilt, wanting to please others, made those two little letters a very hard word to say! Somehow it seemed easier to feel tired due to overcommitting than deal with the turmoil of saying no!
However, I soon learned that this wasn’t how I wanted to continue, or more truthfully, I couldn’t continue in this way! So slowly, I started considering “What’s the worst that could happen if I said no?” or, my other personal favourite, “what would you feel/do if someone said no to you?” These questions helped me realise perhaps it wasn’t so scary to start prioritising myself. Selfcare isn’t selfish. Friends are going to understand if I am honest with them. So slowly I started pausing before committing myself to things.
I started small, offering compromises rather than a complete no! Before building my confidence with smaller refusals. Once I had started, I realised it really wasn’t as bad as I had envisioned. People were usually very understanding and accepting! I found that it helped to remind myself of why I was saying no. I was prioritising myself, and this would improve my mental health, productivity, and own wellbeing, I was valuing my own time and energy. It also had the unexpected benefit that I started really looking forward to the commitments I did agree to, as I was saying Yes when it really mattered.
I will be honest and say it didn’t happen overnight, and I still don’t always get it right! I still struggle at times to realise I can just say no without over-explaining or guilt-tripping myself. In fact, when I said I was writing this blog, it was met with scoffs of derision… perhaps I need to keep practising!!
As the New Year begins, it’s the perfect time to prioritise your wellbeing by making a resolution to start saying “no”. Why not give it a try, remember, every time you say no to something that drains you, you’re saying yes to yourself.
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